Production managers simply have to be female. That's the first thing. Without wishing to appear sexist or anything, it just strikes me that that's the way it is and that's the way it should stay.
It's all to do with multi-tasking, you see. Women can multi-task and men can't. Now if there's one quality that you need in the production department, it's the ability to multi-task. So if you're a bloke, forget it.
It's a struggle for most blokes to remember to take the concept boards to a meeting. Let's just not even think about a man coordinating workflow, materials delivery and supplier relations all at once. Some men can probably do it I suppose, but deep, deep down in the privacy of their own lavatories, they're probably girls too.
So anyway, there's your production manager and there isn't another role in the agency that is quite so Jeckyl and Hyde.
The account handlers will turn it on for the client every now and again (before reverting to type) but it's the production manager that you really have to watch.
You can be having a perfectly rational and civilised conversation with her and the phone will ring. Now, you'll have noticed that everyone else in the agency will ignore the call at times like these or let it go through to voicemail because they're in the middle of a conversation. But not the production manager. Oh no. Production managers have to take the call. Every call. All of them. She'd take other people's calls if they'd let her.
In fact, it's a recognised administrative policy in many agencies to divert all calls to the production manager at lunchtimes and out-of-office hours.
I'm not sure why it's so vital to take all these calls exactly, but my research to date suggests it's to do with "knowing exactly who's screwin' who. Innit?". I think, and hope, that the term is used metaphorically. Then again, maybe not?
So she takes the call. On a good day, the ensuing conversation can be amicable, good natured and enlightening. Pleasantries can be exchanged on the health of the callers children*/rabbits*/iguanas* (*delete as appropriate) and at some point in the conversation, the necessary business information will be exchanged to facilitate the continued smooth running of the agency.
On a bad day, of course... well, we all have bad days and it's entirely understandable that with the high-pressured juggling required within the production department that tempers may occasionally appear a little frayed.
But that's not the thing. No. The thing unique to the production manager is how she gets from one state to the other -- in the same conversation. So the conversation that you overhear goes something like this...
[ring... ring...] "Sorry, I'm going to have to take this [click] Hellooo, yeah, hi Peter. The weekend? Yeah, shopping, yeah. No, I've got no idea how much I spent. I'm useless with numbers. but money isn't everything is it? Mmmm. So how's Zak? No, your iguana. Yeah, that Zak. Oh good, good. Mmmm... no, Tuesday. No. I said Tuesday. We need them there on Tuesday, latest. HELLO? Peter are you LISTENING? I said TUESDAY you 'kin' 'anker. Do NOT pluck with me Peter you rash hole. You WILL have them there on Tuesday or I'm going to stick my sling-backs SO far up your 'kin butt that you won't be able to fart for a month and I do NOT want to ruin a perfectly good pair of Manolo's IS THAT CLEAR? Good. Yeah, lunch on Friday would be great. See ya, byeeeee!" [click]
I don't know about you, but I'm totally embarrassed by this stage and stand there aghast, making a mental note to have these meetings in my office instead of the other way round. The production manager, meanwhile, is sitting there with the "whaat??" look on.
Don't be fooled by the "My job's just shopping really" line. The production manager is a force to be reckoned with in any agency. Totally psychotic, no question, but a force nonetheless. Beware of all women wearing handcrafted designer shoes made of iguana.
No iguanas were harmed in the writing of this article.
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