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Right, I’m going to try to make it through these 600 words without referring to any of the offerings as either crackers or turkeys.

Neither will I liken myself to Scrooge or Santa. There may be a Noddy Holder gag but, it will be so subtle, you won’t even notice it.

To it, then.

This is war. Store wars. Sainsbury’s, Tesco, Marks & Spencer, John Lewis and Asda – all going head-to-head in order to be the place you do your big shop this Christmas.

Asda has served up a heart-warming longer-length Christmas film. Some people arrive at a house with a bottle of wine. Other people drink that wine and smile a bit. I know: it’s crazy. To be fair, we’re on a budget here and the question on this brief couldn’t possibly have been: "What’s our epic commercial to really win the hearts of the British public this year?" Or if it was, this isn’t quite the answer.

Sainsbury’s has served up a heart-warming longer-length Christmas film. The difference with this one, though, is that it’s utterly brilliant. A sort of trailer for a mini-movie that will be shown on ITV in early December. It’s unquestionably lovely, thoughtfully put together, with lashings of emotion, including one scene that could reduce the most hardened cynic to tears: a soldier returning to surprise his kids on the big day. It was taken from 360 hours of amateur footage and you can feel the reality and the emotion of Christmas. I wish I’d done it.

Tesco has served up a heart-warming longer-length Christmas film. The difference with this one, though, is that it’s of one family throughout the ages, from the 70s up until now-ish. There’s a sweet narrative here, including a family tradition where they have a game of footy in the garden every year. Charming stuff – it’s just that I’ve been spoilt by seeing the Sainsbury’s one first. Anything that has actors and acting in it is going to suffer in comparison. Hey, still toast-worthy, though.

Marks & Spencer has served up a heart-warming longer-length Christmas film. The difference with this one, though, is that it’s like a fairytale. Three fairytales in one, in fact: Alice In Wonderland, The Wizard Of Oz and Little Red Riding Hood. So there’s a lot going on – a lot of spectacular images, a lot of wow, a lot of famous faces and, obviously, a lot of cash thrown at it. It doesn’t particularly connect much on a human level, but it does get through on dazzlement alone (can I just make words up like that?). In any other week – that didn’t have Sainsbury’s and Tesco in it – this would be pick of the bunch by a mile.

Amendment to the above: "Any other week that didn’t have Sainsbury’s and Tesco and John Lewis in it."

John Lewis has served up a heart-warming longer-length Christmas film. The difference with this one, though, is that… ooh, hang on. It is actually different. It’s animated. Someone in Paddington figured: "I bet all the other shops show real-life Christmas imagery. Let’s do the opposite." It’s simple, really, advertising. If everyone goes that a’way, we’ll go this out of sheer spite and a desire to lodge in people’s minds.

But it’s not enough to be different. It helps if it’s good as well. And this is really good. A lovely story about love with a load of lovely animals and with a lovely Lily Allen track. Just lovely, lovely stuff.

Merry Christmas, everybody. (Subtle enough?)

After nine Christmases living in New York, there’s something cornily wonderful about sitting through a reel of real English Christmas ads. Nothing quite captures the sweet, warm syrup of sentimentality of coming home like a king-sized dollop of Christmas schmaltz.

I could be unseasonably sharp and say Kevin Macdonald’s "Christmas in a day" is indeed like a cut-down of his Life In A Day but doesn’t seem quite as quietly normal as the original. Or I could postulate that, despite Harry Hill’s piss-taking commentary, we are all a bit fed up with You’ve Been Framed!-type cameos. I could even draw parallels with Gareth Malone’s The Choir, but it would be hair-splitting. Instead, I’ll say that, if Malone’s The Choir: Military Wives was the most moving whit on telly in recent years, the end sequence of this ad – with the kids and their army dad’s return from Afghanistan – was just as brilliant and certainly the first time I’ve been moved to tears by Sainsbury’s.

Tesco travels the snowy road of family footage to poke our noses into somebody else’s living room, as we are transported back 30 years into the childhood of the average Tesco mum to cleverly evoke the flowing memories of childhood Christmases. Gritty William Eggleston or seedy Martin Parr it isn’t, but there are lots of those nice "real" moments. But the track? Rod Stewart singing Forever Young? If there’s one thing Christmas commercials have proved, it’s that they can be made and/or broken by music. For me, this one’s a bit too Phyllis for my liking. Phyllis? It’s what Elton John called Rod. And what does Rod call Elton? Why, it’s Sharon, of course. OK, but what has Sharon got to do with all this, I hear you say? Well, actually, the reason I bring it up is because of the John Lewis Christmas campaign.

Year after year, the musical secret of the country’s most middle-class, middle-England, middle-of-the-road store has been to take some of the best-known songs by some of the world’s campest singers (Elton, Holly Johnson, Morrissey, Axl Rose), strain them through a comfy John Lewis sock and have them hauntingly sung by a breathy girl in the bath. The result? Consistently delightful. Keane are fine, but I feel they missed a trick not adding another tent to the row with a Freddie Mercury tearjerker. Sadly, for all Lily Allen’s pleasant panting, this song ain’t platinum. Like the animation by Disney, it is all very classy, very moreish. But does it have that magical lump in the throat John Lewis-ites from Bexley crave? Don’t get me wrong, compared with anything on American television, this ad is monster. But John Lewis’ best ever? That’s a very high bar. The jury’s out.

Asda would sit more comfortably in NBC’s schedules because it sells. It’s like the bore at the party who won’t stop talking about his wine cellar – except, at this party, it’s Asda. Nothing awful about that except that, with a fashion for ads that celebrate rather than sell, it can look a bit plonky, if you’ll excuse the pun.

Some people might claim the Marks & Spencer campaign is as strong on selling. Indeed, my wife’s first comment when I showed it was: "I like that white dress at the end." But, somehow, the lavish oozing style and rather adult subtlety of this M&S Christmas confection leave a nice sharp taste in the mouth. It’s a very Tim Burton fantasy (appropriately, his partner, Helena Bonham Carter, has an amusing guest appearance). A posh pantomime, really – and, for my money, the pick of the bunch.