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"Cider Spider".

Alan Midgley came out of Paul Arden’s office looking like one of those cartoon characters who’ve just swallowed a plate of chillies. It was a pitch for Blackthorn, and Alan and John Bacon had just presented their idea. They’d spent weeks doing something incredibly well-crafted and strategically sound, and all the stuff we are taught to do. But, apparently, Paul wasn’t interested.

"He just stared out the window. All he kept saying was Cider Spider. Cider fucking Spider."

And the moral of the story is: sometimes an idea doesn’t have to be an idea. 

Or as my 11-year-old always tells me when she asks what I’m up to: "Just do a song, Dad. People like songs."

But Cider Spiders are notoriously hard to pull off. 

Oddbins (4) is more Cider Spider than Midgley Bacon. A man enters a much bigger Oddbins than the one near me. Then, because he’s being all snarky and humbug, he gets dragged underground for a Christmas awakening by a stuffed fox. You may well say WTF. Because that is the endline. What the fox. Some people will find it funny, including the people who made it.

Poo-Pourri (2) is a song. About poo and how to get rid of the smell. I know – Poo Poo. You can’t get much more Cider Spider than that. And they go at it with a hell of a lot of commitment too. Download a brown load, mud bunny, Poo-dini, abra-crap-dabra. I am reminded of the Viz letter, which, while admiring the gnomic philosophising of Rutger Hauer, berates the Guinness commercials for failing to mention that a couple of pints turn your shit to treacle. Tee-hee, indeed. 

Argos (3) is like a Bond opening sequence without the fighting. It’s got lots of energy, some witty touches and Prokofiev (thank you, Google). I saw two different versions. One where there is no explanation except "#justcantwait". And one where they talk about "free same-day delivery" and collecting in-store in "as little as 60 seconds". These are pretty good offerings, aren’t they? But the thing is: cider doesn’t rhyme with offering.

Ikea (1) starts in animation land with what seems like a mini-parable about a robot that can’t fly. Then, just when I was becoming all thoughtful and getting into the story, it switches to real life, and we see a dad dressed as a robot playing and wrestling with his kids. Both bits are very nicely realised. They just feel disconnected in tone. 

HSBC (5) has turned a bit of Gatwick Airport into a sound installation that attempts to dramatise the natural diversity of the Yangtze river. A long bit, mind you – nearly 200 metres long. The case-study film explains it all in great detail. It’s hard to judge it without walking it, of course. Will it be a bit like having a massage in a hotel spa? Or will it be an immersive experience to rival the Orgasmatron in Sleeper? 

Private View. Toodle-loo.

The original Poo-Pourri (2) ad was very funny. As a first line, "You would not believe the mother lode I just dropped" is right up there with: "It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen." This one fails to break the curse of the sequel – ie. it isn’t as good. It’s some kind of musical, I think. I got a bit bored halfway through and went for a poo.

Elsewhere, HSBC (5) has made a bridge at an airport sound like a river. What I watched appeared to be the award entry. Nowadays, no actual human ever sees your work, so you need to make a case study so that people will know what you did. Then you can get PR for it and everyone will think it actually happened because it was on Twitter. This one isn’t the best case study I’ve ever seen. However, you can tell they asked the creative technologist for input on the idea because at one point they say "Real Time Weather Data" – so plus points for that. I did like the bit about having lots of speakers. Personally, I’m quite excited about this kind of thing. I have a large collection of microphones and speakers in my house and I frequently try to recreate sounds of meadows or churches in the kitchen to confuse my wife. This is actually true, unlike the rest of this Private View.

The Oddbins (4) "what the fox" ad is a heart-warming tale of a functioning alcoholic who manages to get to the offie before it shuts for Christmas. In his excitement, he stumbles over his two drunken left feet and passes out. He hallucinates that he lives with a fox and they are having Christmas dinner together. When he comes round, he tries to make light of it all by wishing the shop assistant a merry Christmas and leaving on a pogo stick.

Ikea (1) "come home to play" is coincidentally also a story about an adult hallucinating. This time, it’s not a drunkard, just a run-of-the-mill fantasist. In this story, a father tricks his children into dressing as mythical creatures while he runs around the house pretending to be a robot. Where we enter the story, he has forgotten what’s real and what’s not. He thinks he has rocket feet and can fly. Something snaps him back into reality and he finds himself standing on the sofa. The children are closing in. Thankfully, we cut away just before the undoubtedly brutal denouement.

Staying with the horror/science-fiction genre, Argos’ (3) "just can’t wait for Christmas" depicts some kind of future war/sport scenario, where the military is funded by product placement and war takes place on the ski slopes. There’s a hashtag at the end. I love it when agencies/clients use hashtags as a sign-off for a TV spot. It shows they get why people really use hashtags: it’s because they are desperate to join in spreading brands’ messaging. Putting a hashtag at the end is the best way to help them do this, so very well done, Argos and CHI & Partners.

It might just be because I was at home sick when I was writing this but I thought this week’s ads were quite surreal. I wonder if a large supply of LSD made its way into the water supply in London while I was off sick. I’ve been reading a book called Cosmic Trigger recently about LSD and apparently it helps you see other realities. Perhaps these aren’t ads but windows into other dimensions. That’s quite a cheering thought.