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Marriage, I have learned, is all about being on the phone to the Macy's Wedding Channel help desk. It's been nearly a month since our exchange of vows, and my wife and I now realize that we have entered into a lifetime partnership with 1-888-989-WEDD (at the prompt, press 4, and listen to hours of flute music). When we do get off the line, it is only to call and email our friends and relatives with a message that begins "DON'T try buying anything off our online gift registry - PLEASE!"

In the bricks-and mortar-world, Macy's runs a sharp, tech-savvy bridal registry. Happy couples cruise the aisles with a borrowed scanner, and an assistant zaps their choices straight into a database.

Their friends and relatives call at any store in the country and open their wallets. Two or three days later, there's another package waiting on the bridal doorstep.

It was only natural we rushed to use the added attraction of Macy's new online registry - lured by the opportunity to make our wish-list available to all our far-flung friends. We quickly ran slap into a big brick wall.

In the online world, the Macy's bridal registry (run in conjunction with WeddingChannel.com) is about as inclusive and globally aware as the Confederate flag.

Could her relatives abroad purchase our gift with their Visa cards? No.

Only American credit can be authorized. Could my friends in New York snap up the Sabatier knives? Not likely. Less than half our list could be ordered online - the remainder were displayed with blanked-out prices, implying they had already been reserved. Can we get our gifts this week?

No way. Only single, all-in-one-basket delivery allowed. And since there is an inventory short on the Champagne glasses Aunt Mary bought, the entire shipment has a "hurry-up-and-wait" tag attached. We are very sorry.

We've had price issues, credit card screwups, lost duvets - you name it, they've failed it. We can't even take Aunt Mary's glasses off the list to unclog the delivery process; the system won't allow it. And don't call Macy's for help - it's not their database ... it belongs to WeddingChannel.com

And there's the problem in a nutshell: Macy's has lazily outsourced its web operation. No wonder nothing connects. And it is being badly let down.

My advice to Macy's? Break the engagement. You can do this much better on your own.



- Got something to rant about? Contact Emily Booth at 212-471-8711 or emily.booth@revolutionmagazine.com.