New Year’s Eve. Bloody rubbish isn’t it? In order to discover why,
I recently conducted an experiment under laboratory-controlled
conditions.
Should you wish to recreate its startling results for yourself, you’ll
need the following fine ingredients.
One small room filled to the ceiling with total strangers, all
preferably starved of alcohol for the previous nine months. One straight
pint mug.
One ex-lover. A selection of alcoholic beverages, the likes of which you
wouldn’t normally touch with anyone else’s bargepole: cognac, whisky,
worm-inhabited tequila, Italian liqueur, that sort of thing. One
accurate clock. One set of car keys. (Porsche is a good choice, lest you
still don’t look a big enough prick even after devouring all of the
above.) And finally, one hangover cure.
Now, as fate would have it, ±±¾©Èü³µpk10 has just sent me the whole
aforementioned kaboodle in a big brown bag marked ’Private View’. So
hey! Let’s experiment!
First, pour a generous measure of Martell Cognac into the pint mug.
Study the poster campaign as you sup, thus: I love the illustrations and
I think they’d look startling on a street corner, but I find the
sentiment a bit too, well, familiar. Blame Glenn Baxter. Next add a big
slug of Famous Grouse whisky: what a superb campaign this is. Here’s a
creative team that knows how to handle its drink. Beautifully simple,
brilliantly branded and a fabulous musical score to boot. Mine’s a large
one.
Now stir in a ludicrous amount of DiSaronno Amaretto. Disawotto? Don’t
ask. True, the film features the sort of girl who’d make a pope punch a
hole in a stained-glass window and, yes, it reeks of Dolce Vita-esque
Italian style. But is this really the way to Amaretto? ’In Italy,’ reads
the endline, ’there are no half measures.’ Trouble is, there’s not much
branding either.
If you’ve been following my instructions to the letter, you should by
now be feeling tipsy (much to the chagrin of Tinky Winky). This is quite
normal, do not adjust your clothing. Yet.
Tempus fugit! As we say in Brum. The millennium is arriving - unless
you’re wearing an Accurist, of course. In which case, it’s already here.
Yep, out goes anorexic Annie of press ad fame and in comes countdown
interruptus, courtesy of Accurist’s millennium countdown clock at
Greenwich. Apparently, ’no-one’s celebrating the millennium until we say
so’. Well, the year 2000 is undoubtedly coming and it’s a very neat
summation of a very big idea, but isn’t it suffering from premature
encapsulation? Surely, first we gotta party like it’s 1998 ...
Approaching the climax of our experiment, you should by now have your
mojo working overtime and your mood swinging like a pendulum.
Splendid.
Time to leave before you do something you might regret. But who’s
driving?
When they come to write the A to Z of 1997, D will forever stand for
Diana, Dodi and Drink Drive. Unfortunately, if an event of such global
magnitude doesn’t stop would-be drinkers in their tracks, what hope is
there for a humble advertising campaign? ’None for the road’, however,
is a terrific idea and I wish them well with it. Teetotalitarianism for
drivers I say.
And finally, if you don’t wish to hear the results of our experiment,
please look away now ...
And lo. After the joy of the night before, God delivered the Morning
After. Luckily, she also gave us Alka Seltzer XS and that’s what I call
A Result. Thank heaven for small, fizzing mercies. Thank AMV for
brilliant advertising. Thought they’d never top ’two men in a boat’?
Well, they just done did. This time it’s ’worm in a bottle’: crawling
from the liquid wreckage of last night to seek solace ’n’ salvation in
the Seltzer. It’s a little masterpiece, born out of recognition of the
condition. Let’s face it, we’ve all been that worm. It’s just that the
very worst time to be him is on the very first day of the year. New
Year’s Day. Bloody rubbish isn’t it??
Seagram UK
Project: Martell
Advertiser: Tina Pilter, UK brand manager
Brief: Contrast Martell’s relaxed personality with the pompous image of
cognac
Agency: Ogilvy & Mather
Writer: Mick French
Art director: Henry Rossiter
Illustrator: Simon Spillsbury
Exposure: 96- and 94-sheet posters
Matthew Gloag & Son
Project: Famous Grouse Whisky
Advertiser: Bill Farrar, marketing director
Brief: Inject more warmth and humour into the brand
Agency: Abbott Mead Vickers BBDO
Writer: Mary Wear
Art director: Damon Collins
Director: Gerry Hibbert
Production company: Hibbert Ralph/the Mill
Exposure: National TV
IDV
Project: DiSaronno Amaretto
Advertiser: Tim O’Connell, marketing controller
Brief: Reposition DiSaronno as the authentic, versatile Italian spirit
Agency: CBC
Writer: Louise Roberts
Art director: Paul Burch
Director: Sara Dunlop
Production company: The Annex
Exposure: Carlton and LWT
Department of Environment, Transport and the Regions
Project: Drink drive campaign
Advertiser: Tony Allsworth, head of publicity, road safety division
Brief: Driving after drinking even a small amount of alcohol can make
you a danger on the road
Agency: DMB&B
Writer: Johnny Pittard
Art director: Steve Wakelam
Director: Joe Public Production company: Partizan Midi Minuit
Exposure: National TV
Accurist
Project: Accurist brand TV campaign
Advertiser: Andrew Loftus, managing director
Brief: Only Accurist can officially tell you when the millennium starts
Agency: TBWA Simons Palmer
Writer: Patrick Burns
Art director: Gavin McGrath
Director: Brian Baderman
Production company: All Films
Exposure: LWT/Carlton ITV, Channel 4 , Channel 5, satellite
Bayer
Project: Alka Seltzer XS
Advertiser: Nick Wall, group brand manager
Brief: Alka Seltzer XS is perfect for ’when you’ve had one too many’
Agency: Abbott Mead Vickers BBDO
Writer: Pat Doherty
Art director: Greg Martin
Director: Paul Berry
Production company: Passion Pictures
Exposure: National TV
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