The trouble with the XC90 campaign is the movie Volvo has selected. I'm not sure about you, but if I was to promote a state-of-the-art SUV then Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest would probably not be at the top of my list. For a start, it is set 200 years in the past. Then there is the small problem that most of the movie takes place at sea.
I would love to have sat in on the blue-sky meeting in which the Volvo marketing team came up with the idea of promoting a 21st century SUV with an 18th century nautical swashbuckler.
I can imagine the room. Four people are sitting across from each other studying the latest plans for the XC90. On the flip chart there is a single question: what's the big idea for the Volvo XC90?
The clock is ticking. Suddenly, one of the marketers rises from her seat with a look of triumph. She smiles at the rest of her team and says just one word: 'Pirates'. High fives from everyone.
Even the most creative brand integration artist at Disney is going to struggle to work the car into the movie in these circumstances. But this is not really a problem for Disney. All it wants from Volvo is some money and free publicity ahead of the launch of its film on 7 July.
The problem comes when the Volvo team tries to weave pirates seamlessly into its campaign for the XC90. According to Anne Belec, president and chief executive of Volvo in the US, 'We have taken our most treasured vehicle, the Volvo XC90 V8 SUV, and married it to the pirate world. It is the centrepiece of an elaborate campaign that we hope will not only garner widespread participation from everyone who loves to search for buried treasure, but also have the public at large think about Volvo in an entirely different way.'
One of the most tragic things about a bad concept is that it spawns increasingly inane and bizarre executions from that point on. For example, Volvo has created a special one-off pirate-themed Volvo XC90 featuring black leather seats and custom painted 20-inch wheels (both essential gear for most pirates).
Even better, Volvo has, wait for it, dug a big hole in the ground at a mystery location and buried the car there.
One lucky customer can win this pirate-themed Volvo by responding to various clues that will appear on the internet over the next four weeks.
At this point in the campaign, Volvo is showing a TV ad in which its brand-new SUV is locked in a box and buried in the ground.
Meanwhile, Volvo marketers are trying to stoke up media interest in the contest with a series of increasingly desperate press releases.
'People are asking, "where in the world did you bury that Volvo?"' said Volvo spokesperson Helen Gore. 'Can't tell you that, but here are a few places we considered burying it but, for one reason or the other, just found it unfeasible.'
One of the biggest myths in marketing is that there is no such thing as a bad idea. Bollocks. There is almost nothing worse than a bad idea.
Just ask Volvo - it has had about 12 in the past few weeks and it still has another month to go before this horrendously misjudged campaign comes to a close.
30 SECONDS ON ... PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN
- Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, due for release in the UK on 6 July, is a follow-up to the 2003 summer blockbuster Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl.
- Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley return to their roles as Captain Jack Sparrow, Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann respectively.
- Filming began in February 2005, using locations in Mexico, Dominica and The Bahamas. It finished in February of this year.
- The movie premiered at Disneyland California on 24 June, two days before the re-opening of the refurbished Pirates of the Caribbean attraction.
- Global piracy increased slightly in the first quarter of 2006, according to the IMB Piracy Reporting Centre. Reported attacks have risen by about 8% since 2005. The number of reported piracy attacks in the first three months of 2006 was 61, up from the 56 attacks recorded for the same period of the previous year.