I was cheered by the news that ’unimaginable’ quantities of water
and alcohol have been found in what was thought of as the void between
galaxies. It is comforting to know that wherever you go in the cosmos,
the origins of psychopops are already in place.
Donal got excited when I told him. ’All we need is some galactic fruit
and we could keep the universe supplied with Mutant forever,’ he
raved.
Well, it was after lunch. He started rambling on about how we ought to
get a rocket to go and find this stuff, bring a few million barrels back
and we could market it in sixth-gill sachets as ’Space Shots’. ’No, no,
even better. We send up a rocket and say it is going to find this space
brew, but secretly manufacture it at the old distillery in
Droitwich.’
I left him looking for NASA’s number, because I had my own space project
to be getting on with. An advertising space project, actually. Anne
Ville called me in yesterday to join a video-conference call with our
proprietor, Lord Bleak, on the subject of the price GBH is paying for TV
ads. ’If it were any other supplier we would cut them off, go elsewhere.
But we can’t. It’s a monopoly. It’s bloody criminal,’ he raged. It was
after lunch for Bleak too.
’There are other media approaches we could use,’ I suggested. ’Like
petrol pumps and the bottom of golf holes,’ Bleak sneered. ’Well, some
companies are getting very good results from, er, what they are calling
’cause-related marketing’. I’ve got a wonderful idea for sponsoring a
sanctuary for orphaned new-born lambs,’ I replied.
There was a long pause. For a moment both Anne and I thought Bleak had
fallen asleep. But he let out a long, tired sigh, turned down the lights
in his office so we could see only his silhouette, and started mumbling.
The effect was eerily reminiscent of Brando in Apocalypse Now.
’I have two problems with what you call ’cause-related marketing’,’ he
rasped. ’One, I don’t ask the State to help us in our work, so why
should we help the State in its work? Two, it’s all right if you happen
to come from a Quaker family, make sweeties for kiddies and have created
a model village for your workers. The only village GBH is associated
with is that one in India where the local management blinded half the
population by emptying methanol into the water. There is a credibility
gap.
’No, we need something far harder with much clearer returns. Something
that is in our control. Something that will strike like an iron fist
into the very soul of the consumer.’
’You mean like aisle-end gondolas in Tesco?’ I ventured cheerily. Bleak
held his head in his hands. ’No,’ he moaned softly, ’the telly, the
telly.’ And then the screen went blank.
I turned to Anne. ’Yes,’ she said, ’Lord Bleak wants to set up a
dedicated GBH TV station. It would be like a 24-hour showing of The
Word. We’ll call it Global TV, and I want you to put together a paper to
flush out the marketing issues.’
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